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You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb into his skin and walk around in it. Not when it comes to sex and dating and women, anyway. We have been working with young single men in our capacities as educators, public figures and authors for more than 30 years.
Why does this matter?
She is physically vulnerable, and she knows it
As a man, it is impossible to be better at mating until you understand the subjective experience of a woman, because it is fundamentally different than yours in many ways. If you can for those differences, you will be well on your way to increased success because most men spend zero time thinking about this. The differences start from the very beginning, at our deepest primal levels. When a man interacts with a woman, his greatest fear is sexual rejection and humiliation.
This causes him to spend as much time and energy if not more on defensive strategies to protect against rejection as he does on mating strategies to attract women. Women are totally different.
In these interactions, they are not much afraid of rejection. Rather, when a woman interacts with a man, she is afraid of being physically harmed or sexually assaulted. You are probably perfectly safe.
Any one of those is equally likely. Even more terrifying is the fact that, over the course of her life, the biggest threats to her are men she knows. This is not some idle, irrelevant statistic. The overwhelming majority of women that suffer physical or sexual assault suffer it at the hands of a man they know intimately.
Socially, you can spread lies about her or damage her reputation with men and womensometimes just by being associated with her. You can pretend you love her, get her pregnant and then abandon her.
This is only the beginning of the harms she potentially faces at your hands. We cannot emphasize this enough: m ating success requires cross-sex insight. You need to understand how women evaluate your qualities and how they perceive the status, danger, opportunities and threats that you could present.
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You are a man, and women like men; turning into a woman would make you less attractive to most women. It will help you avoid and resolve arguments, saving you hours of grief. It will help you have better dates, cooler conversations and hotter sex.
It will help you to stop acting like a self-sabotaging dick. And it will also help your relationships with your mom, sisters, daughters, female friends and co-workers. To be clear: the insights in this chapter are not a collection of opinions and moralizing lessons. She Is Tired of Being Objectified, So Subjectify Her Instead Go to a sports bar in any major city or college town on game day, and invariably you will run into a crew of gorgeous young women in skin-tight, cutoff referee outfits or school jerseys walking around, selling shot specials or beer buckets.
This is how everything, not just liquor, is sold to men—hand tools, shampoo, Doritos, porn, cars. All of them shamelessly use beautiful, scantily clad women with big boobs, tight asses and long legs as the vehicles to deliver their message. And it works. The problem from a mating perspective besides the obvious ethical one is that normal women feel this objectification acutely. On the one hand, the media have established an unrealistic expectation of beauty for them to live up to, and this makes them insecure. To attract women, you must be able to take their point of view and think of them not as marketing vehicles to objectify, but as living, thinking, feeling individual humans.
You have to subjectify them: accept, understand and acknowledge their individual, subjective consciousness. When you walk in, you encounter an overwhelming sea of men. These guys are all as tall as NBA players, as muscular as NFL linebackers and as sexually aggressive as a felon on his first night out of jail. They are all bigger, stronger, faster and hornier than you. Their he all swivel toward you, and their eyes look you up and down like sexual Terminators.
Any one of them could grab you, carry you out of the bar and put who knows what God knows where, and there is little you could do to stop them. Some of them are really lame and unattractive and make crude, ham-fisted passes at you. Some are awkward and annoying. Some are even kind of angry and mean. All of these guys are very unappealing.
But lo and behold, some of them are actually pretty intriguing. Yes, they are still big and intimidating, but they want to buy you drinks and pay you compliments. Some of them are really interesting and fun; they do amazing things with their lives and seem to really be into you. They have that sublime masculine energy that is very appealing. How would you feel in this situation? Nervous, worried, scared, guarded, self-conscious and vulnerable?
She is physically vulnerable, and she knows it
Some of the same male traits that frighten you the most also seem to be the most attractive to you. The guys who pose the greatest physical threat are also the same guys you can envision making you feel the safest.
The guy who seems like the most egotistical player in the bar is also the one making you laugh so hard that your ribs hurt. This is the world of sex and dating for women. And this is what it is like for women every day, in every social situation, with straight guys just like you. Women are surrounded by bigger, stronger, faster men who probably want to have sex with them and could take it by force. This is their experience not just at bars and clubs, but at school and work, on the street and the subway.
Men stare at them, leer at them, make crude passes at them, and interact with them all day every day, with sex clearly the subtext of every interaction—even the briefest, most innocuous non-mating exchanges. Think about how weird that whole situation is: to be sexually attracted to beings that could so easily do irreparable physical harm to you.
Most dating advice to guys fails at this first hurdle.
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This is totally wrong. She has to evaluate you herself. Think about the anxiety that internal contradiction could create on a daily basis. For women who are on the more anxious and delicate side, think about the raw physical courage it must take just to go out and meet men.
A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane, and ill-advised. How do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? To women! And yet, here we are. If you want to be successful in modern mating, the more you understand this, the better you can deliver what women love while eliminating what they fear. Your face and body are leaking all kinds of cues about your sexual experience, self-confidence and personality—and she can see it all in one glance.
She can smell your over-practiced pick-up artists tricks from a mile away. She had to develop it after putting up with so much shit from lame guys hitting on her, catcalling, sexually harassing and potentially even stalking her. And believe us when we say that, from her perspective, they make up a high proportion of men—especially the ones likely to hit on her in inappropriate ways, places and times.
Psychological and environmental factors explain much of this perspective. Even if she accepts those sex differences, she still has to wrangle with the fact that many mental illnesses and personality disorders are more common among men the more dangerous ones, no less. These male-dominated disorders include alcoholism, drug addiction, autism, schizophrenia, narcissism, white-collar sociopathy and criminal psychopathy. All of which make each random encounter with a man less likely to end in love and more likely to end with a fight-or-flight response. Most of you guys are solid dudes. Cops spend 90 percent of their time dealing with the scummiest 5 percent of humanity.
Best for most women
Likewise, women spend a big proportion of their time in the mating market avoiding the small percentage of guys who are the most intrusive, obnoxious or insane. There are almost too many other types of men who do things women find repulsive to name them all. Simply put, her experience is that the worst guys come straight at her while the best guys are nowhere to be seen.
With That The average guy finds the average woman at least somewhat sexually attractive. Think about it. For some of you freaks, especially including them. By contrast, the average woman finds the average man sexually invisible, neutral, disgusting or repulsive.
Only a tiny percentage of guys inspire immediate lust in women. And most of those guys have already moved to New York or Los Angeles to become actors or models. This is a huge sex difference in initial choosiness, documented in both scientific research and online dating data, that plays out in every domain of sex and dating.
All you need to know at this point is that women are choosier about whom they have sex with; men are choosier about whom they commit to. Guys have sexual fantasies about almost all the women they know, whereas women have fantasies about virtually no men. None of this should be particularly surprising or contentious. Women are trying to do the best they can to reject you without humiliating you.
There is a deep evolutionary logic to this preference, and it has a lot to do with minimizing the very real risks they face from publicly humiliating their suitors. It was almost always better for an ancestral woman to keep a guy within her social orbit as a possible non-sexual friend rather than alienate or upset him.